Guys, back me up here: Aren’t shy girls adorable? The uncertainty about what to say or do next, the nervous and sometimes forced laughter, and the sudden desire to be absolutely anywhere else on the planet when the room starts to fill up with people. Hell, I just pretty accurately described myself once upon a time, and maybe that’s why I appreciate this type of girls: I can empathize with them, because I used to be like them.
RED ALERT: Let’s face it — shy girls can be downright sexy, so I’m going to explain exactly how to date them and get them lusting for your nerd pole.
I think this attraction is pretty common among my “nerdy” brethren, and for similar reasons. But dating a shy girl is a game with different rules, my brothers, and can’t be approached like a typical pick-up. You have to know how to date a shy girl before you can hope to succeed at this.
Shy Girls Require a Different Approach
Generally speaking, I’ve found shy girls to represent one of the rare exceptions to the rule of using a “grab the bull by the horns” strategy with women. I’m talking about subtle but undeniable cues of fearlessness and dominance here.
Taking her hand when the two of you are walking together instead of offering yours, putting your arm around her at the movies without prefacing it with that lame “yawwwn I’ve got to stretch” maneuver, and just moving in for a kiss when the moment’s right as opposed to asking her first (she’ll back away if she doesn’t want to, you wimp).
The reason these kinds of actions are typically so effective is because female psychology is wired by evolution to be attracted by forceful, assertive behavior in men. But this is an underlying genetic tendency, and is more or less easily overwhelmed by the personality traits of an individual.
When you’re dating a shy girl, you’re with someone who’s already suspicious of and uncomfortable around other people, so it’s important not to do anything to violate her personal space or make her feel aggressed-upon.
Being careful about showing too much aggressive behavior is generally a very good idea, when dating shy girls. You need to gradually step-up your “alpha moves” as she becomes more comfortable with you.
One very common example, and one of which I admit to having been guilty in the past, is actually bringing up the girl’s awkwardness to her. You might do this, for instance, by flat-out asking her why she’s so shy, or encouragingly (you think) telling her to “just snap out of it” and socialize more. For me, it was always the equally damning statement, “speak up for yourself – you can do it!”
Massive blunder, compadres, and any guy who does it simply doesn’t know how to date a shy girl. Yes, that most assuredly includes me, back when I was enough of a noob to act like that. Guys, she already knows she’s shy. She’s been dealing with it all her life, and the great likelihood is that it isn’t something she particularly likes about herself.
Do we really think she’s struggled to come out of her shell for so long, only to finally have her chains broken by a pep talk from us? No. The only thing we accomplish by rubbing her face in it is to make her feel profoundly embarrassed and uncomfortable. Uncomfortable, more pointedly, around us.
Bringing up a girl’s shyness to her is the equivalent of writing “Begone, Evil wench!!” on your forehead. If you want to destroy any chance you may have of getting a date from her, go ahead and launch this bad boy.
I have to warn you that this really is insidious, bros, because it represents another way in which dating a shy girl departs from the standard. Under normal circumstances, it can be a very effective PUA tactic to subtly criticize a girl, like by asking her why she’s dressed like she’s cold (assuming she’s not half-naked) when you’re in a warm temperature, or wondering why she “looks so sad” when she’s doing anything other than wearing a permanent beaming smile.
Tiny verbal jabs like this can make a woman feel self-conscious, which throws her off guard and can make her lower her anti-pickup defenses. They can even make her trust you, as she’s left feeling like there was something wrong with her appearance and you were kind enough to point it out. Unfortunately, the strategy is detrimental when applied to shy girls. They are, pretty much, always self-conscious, and they don’t appreciate having it exacerbated. Beware of this trap.
How To Date a Shy Girl – Specific Tips
Alright, enough of what not to do, let’s talk about some positive strategies. The first one is pretty good advice with just about any woman, but it’s particularly effective on a shy girl: Make her laugh. One thing you’re going to notice if you hang out with a lot of talented PUA professionals (which you should; learn from them, young padawan) is that all of them, to a man, are some of the best comedians you’ve ever encountered.
As in, these guys will have you cracking up just shooting the breeze with you over a burger at Denny’s, with no women around. Trust me, amigos, it’s no accident that they’re all so funny. Laughing with someone is one of the simplest, most direct ways to relax them, warm them up to you, and encourage them to trust you (it’s reasonable to speculate that social cohesion is laughter’s evolutionary purpose, in fact).
You benefit most from this with shy girls because the biggest challenge you face when talking to them is their introverted nature and their innate hesitancy to “let you in”. A good joke is the perfect battering ram to break that gate wide open.
But don’t just be funny; make her feel like she’s funny, too. Shy girls aren’t exactly known for their proficiency with humor, but every once in awhile, they’ll give it a shot. When your girl does, give her a laugh, even if it’s not the greatest knee-slapper you’ve ever heard.
Now, there is a certain level of skill to this, because if her joke clearly sucked, you’re just giving yourself away (not to mention coming off as painfully awkward) if you bust your gut guffawing at it. Don’t over-commit, but encourage her. Remember, laughter is a magic bullet here, so anything that multiplies it helps our cause.
Getting to know a shy girl (as a preliminary to asking her out) is largely the same process as you’d experience with most women, just one that requires more patience. That is, you talk to her and search for common interests with an emphasis on asking questions about her, but here you’ll want to wear kid gloves. As you might imagine, shy girls often have a hard time opening up on the topic of themselves, so ask general questions in a soft tone, and change course at the first sign of discomfort.
Common interest bonding is always the best way to get any girl to feel comfortable with you. With shy girls, however, you need to avoid overly investigating her interests and passions, at first.
Finally, there’s a certain finesse to how to date a shy girl when it comes to the actual dates, as well. Her introverted attitude isn’t just going to disappear when she agrees to go out with you, or even if she becomes your girlfriend, after all.
That means you’ll need to show some consideration when it comes to suggesting activities; this is not the lady to take out dancing or to karaoke night at the bar. Needless to say, she’s also not a good choice for kinky stuff like sex clubs or nude beaches. Focus on ideas that allow the two of you to be alone or nearly alone, like a picnic at the park or seeing a movie (not on opening night).
So yes, there are some minefields to navigate, but in my experience, dating a shy girl is completely worth the extra effort. They can be a lot of fun when you melt through their isolated exterior, and oftentimes, their lack of excessive social contamination makes them quite interesting and unique people. You’d be surprised how delightfully “spicy” some of these girls can turn out to be, once you’ve gotten them out of their shell.