Well guys, it’s official. There is a Guiness World Record for absolutely everything. I mean, I could accept the academic need to record certain physical anomalies like the world’s longest fingernails (over 9 feet each). Hell, I can admit I’m genuinely impressed by the dude who went the longest spinning a basketball on the tip of a toothbrush, while the brush was held in his mouth (22.41 seconds).
And you better believe I’m all about the record for the largest number of bikini-clad women photographed standing on a beach (1,010 of the lovelies!). But come on: Did we really need a category, ever, for the smallest penis in the world?!
RED ALERT: People always say, never complain, because it could always be worse. Well, today we’re going to talk about the one guy in the world who has the right to complain…about his penis size.
Mike Carson of Miami, Florida in the United States, is one truly unfortunate sumbitch. His poor pecker is so tiny, it literally can’t be seen; even with all pubic hair vigilantly shaved away, one can only observe this dude’s penile skin, with the shaft itself buried within and not visible. That’s because our man Mike’s package measures a paltry 1/16th of 1 inch, making it indeed the world’s smallest penis.
And while I’m sure I don’t need to make numerical comparisons to help you understand how minuscule 1/16th of 1 inch truly is, I’ll throw some data at you anyway and mention that even the average flaccid penis length is over 3 full inches. Erect, the average climbs to 5 inches.
Some studies push the number for a typical boned-up phallus closer to 6 inches, but most of those are usually discounted. They relied upon self-reporting from their subjects, because no man anywhere would ever exaggerate his own penis size, right?
What it’s Like To Have The Smallest Penis In The World
As you can imagine, things haven’t been easy for Mike. Now in his 30s, he used to shower with the other boys in high school, and unsurprisingly, his peers were not kind. The teasing and ridicule were relentless. The bullies’ favorite joke, that Mike had no penis at all but rather a large clitoris, got so bad that our hero began to genuinely doubt whether he was even actually a man. If he didn’t have a dick, that meant he must be a woman, right?
I should also mention the plight elsewhere in the country of our brother Nick Gilronan. Poor Nick may not have the smallest penis in the world like Mike, but his is the smallest in Brooklyn, New York, and he’s got the credentials to prove it.
He won the “Smallest Penis in Brooklyn” pageant, which was held in a local bar in 2013 to much comedy (and, in the case of Miley Cyrus, public regret that she had missed the event). The precise measurements of the contestants were mercifully not released, but we do know that Nick vanquished the runner-up, known as “Rip van Dinkle”, who has admitted to a flaccid length of just 1.75 inches. Ouch.
At an erect penis length under 2 inches, it’s basically impossible to have meaningful intercourse with a woman. A man in this situation must rely on other techniques to please his partner.
Now allow me to let you in on a little (heh) secret, my bros. Jokes aside, I don’t actually feel too sorry for these guys – and apparently, neither should you. Nick, for one, is in fact proud of his victory in Brooklyn, and says his small penis hasn’t negatively impacted his relationships. And as for the grand champion down in Miami? To hear good ol’ Mike tell it, he’s genuinely benefited from his diminutive dimensions.
Apparently word of his distinction has spread, and our bro now gets approached by women who insist on “trying out” the world’s smallest penis. I don’t know about you guys, but my pecker weighs in at a heftier value than Mike’s, yet I still have to work to get girls to ask for a ride.
Oh, and as for Mike’s schoolhouse tormentors of yesteryear? Some of them have gone on to die from drug overdoses, while Mike now works for a Fortune 500 company and is steadily climbing the ladder. Bullies, meet Karma. Ain’t she a bitch?
How To Work With a Small Penis
This bona fide medical condition of “micropenis” is actually very rare. Typically defined as applying to any penis with an erect length substantially less than 3 inches, it occurs in about 0.6% of the male population (which is to say, it’s much more common in the paranoid minds of worried men than in reality).
While Mike the Man would obviously qualify, he has no intention of seeking surgical intervention, which is often the only way to correct micropenis. As noted, he’s just doing just fine in the women department, and that’s usually the biggest concern guys have regarding the condition.
Even the micropenis condition can be turned into an attraction factor for a guy. Women like men with status, and having an unusual anatomical feature can be sexy, if sold correctly.
Statistically, any man who fears that he may have a micropenis is almost certainly worried over nothing. But even if you are below the average, and don’t have the title of World’s Smallest Penis to turn it into an advantage, you needn’t despair. Penis size has nothing to do with getting women into bed that all-important first time, and then there is plenty you can do to keep them coming back for more.
Related: Small Penis Syndrome Facts
When you know what you’re doing, bros, your tongue and fingers are sexual organs at least as important as your dick. Many women can’t even climax from penile penetration alone (by anyone); they need more.
Much of the “correct” way to apply oral and digital stimulation depends on each individual girl’s body and preferences, but there are some general principles to keep in mind. Rub her vulva outside with your fingers before they go in, to make sure she’s wet enough. Then search around for her spot; pay attention to her reactions to tell you when you’ve found it.
And when it’s time to dive in to your dessert, keep your tongue working her clitoris at all times, lest the stimulation die off and she lose her build-up to orgasm. Just start off slow, so you don’t overstimulate.
But if you really want to make some lemonade with the penile lemons life has handed you, I recommend investigating the feasibility of fetishizing your small stature. I spend a lot of times on cam sites, especially MyFreeCams, and I can tell you that MFC sports a very sizable and thriving “SPH” kink community.
SPH means Small Penis Humiliation, and it’s exactly what it sounds like. Some guys who fall into below-average range below-the-belt (and a few who aren’t even small) enjoy having hot women tease, belittle them, and dominate them over the issue of their phallic inadequacy.
This fetish can take a few different forms. It goes arm-in-arm with cuckoldry, which is when a man’s wife/girlfriend (or someone pretending at that role) has sex with other men with the cuckold’s knowledge and reluctant consent, because he supposedly can’t satisfy her himself. Sometimes, the feminization angle is played, concurrently with cuckoldry or by itself, and the under-endowed gentleman is dressed in women’s clothes and demeaned by the dominant female as a sissy.
If this doesn’t sound like your cup of tea, no problem. Kinks are very personal. But SPH is pretty huge among porn searches and on MyFreeCams, so know that plenty of guys seem to be into it. If you have a disappointing dinkus between your leg, you should at least give this kind of play a fair shake, and see if you can make your shoddy size work for you.
You’ve lost nothing if the fetish isn’t for you, but if it is, you may just find that feeling like you have the smallest penis in the world isn’t so bad!